In past writings, I suggested that all human beings have a deep desire for intimacy. Indeed, we all desire to be in relationships where we are loved for who we are, regardless of what we say or do. This is unconditional love, intimacy.
Yet, many tend to confuse intimacy with sexuality, which results in missed opportunities to form supportive relationships and to experience real affection. Check out these common scenarios: (1) a person engages in one sexual relationship or experience after another in search of feeling comforted, desired or fulfilled; and (2) sex is explored out of a yearning to feel powerful, stimulated or free in a way that one’s life situation may not offer on a regular basis. Does this sound like anything you’ve heard or experienced before? In a misguided search for joy, we sometimes turn to sex to feel happy, alive, or connected to others.
In the following section, I share examples of how various situations were revealed to me and how my lessons can help you be more aware and fulfilled. If you desire deep connection with others, but you don’t know how to do it, don’t worry. You’re not alone! We will examine how to do this today.
My Formative Years
Throughout my 20’s, I enjoyed a variety of group and individual relationships. Over time, I gained the confidence to deepen one-on-one relationships by revealing private information about myself. In contrast, my relationships within groups were sincere, but more surface, safe (i.e. uncomfortable issues were less often topics of discussion). I didn’t know it, but allowing myself to open up and share my uncertainties, fears, dreams and desires was an act of intimacy.
Over time, I grew to prefer the intimate connections I experienced in one-on-one relationships. Somehow, they had depth; they felt real. So, in search of greater fulfillment, I pursued these more, delving further into the unknown with others who were open to exploring their own feelings and pushing the boundaries of their own desires. It was exhilarating!
Before I knew it, some of these relationships became sexual. And, I mistakenly credited the sexual nature of the relationships with the fulfillment I gained from each. Why? Because I was unaware of the satisfaction I derived from sharing my emotions. Actually, it was my openness that led to fulfillment, not the other person. I had confused sex with intimacy.
How Does This Happen?
Practice makes perfect! So it follows that since I had repeatedly explored my emotions exclusively through one-on-one relationships, I gradually developed a pattern of using sex as the only vehicle to express my deepest emotions. As a result, this distorted my perception of women. Eventually, I began to place women on pedestals (which some women mistakenly desire from a man). However, this is just an insidious form of objectification which, in my case, did not allow me to fully interact with women as people; I was using them to fulfill my emotional needs. This is a major issue in relationships around the globe, today!
People don’t belong on pedestals, objects do. Because my interaction with women was restricted to one area, I began to lose respect for them in other areas, and I judged them based on their inability to make me feel complete.
This is wrong on so many levels: (1) because people are whole, we will never truly know each other unless we open ourselves to experiencing one another, in totality. Essentially, while you pick and choose what you want to get out of a relationship, your interaction with the other person is producing unlimited opportunities for you both to learn what you need in order to grow as individuals. But, if you are looking for only one thing in particular, you are guaranteed to miss everything else. (2) assessing another person’s worth based on his/her capacity to fulfill your needs is a recipe for resentment! You are responsible for making yourself happy; no one else. Your job is you! Therefore, you must fulfill your own needs.
How to Do It
Here are three quick steps to practice fulfilling your needs:
1. identify your passion,
2. ask for what you want, and
3. make decisions that serve you
Your coach,
Marcus
Marcus is a Newfield Network trained Ontological Coach, which serves as an ideal vehicle to further realize his personal empowerment objectives. Marcus, his wife and four year-old-son live in New Jersey
He can be reached at marcus@blackandbrownnews.com
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