For nearly four years I served as a community organizer in the Bronx, New York, where I partnered with neighborhood residents to address issues in their community. Like many neighborhoods, Highbridge was originally settled by European immigrants in the 1800’s.
By 2000, it was approx. 35% African American, 45 % Afro-Latino (Dominican and Puerto Rican), and contained small pockets of Mexican and African immigrants. It was a place of diverse food, cultures and languages. Yet something about it was very uniform; it contained a spirit of resilience. This was my immersion experience into a deep cultural landscape without leaving the States. It transformed me in profound ways.
With the support of staff from a couple of colleges and universities, a handful of committed residents and recent college graduates worked together to develop campaign strategies, organize rallies and negotiate for change in the way local schools, landlords, and service providers conducted business in the neighborhood. The experience was amazing! We recruited families who had struggled in despair or frustration for years to successfully improve their living conditions. In return, I was learning what it meant to be a leader and to truly serve others.
Two local residents, Dom and Ernesto, would provide me access into the community to make this all possible. They were sincere, generous, honest, and caring, yet sometimes frustrated, angry, and volatile. Our relationship was initially marked by skepticism because others had come into the community in the past making empty promises and profiting from resident despair. And even as I gained their trust, there were periods when we wouldn’t see each other for days or weeks at a time, because issues from the past would resurface and complicate current efforts. I came to understand much later that these men inhabited a spirit of love that I shared, but was afraid to embrace as a result of my own insecurities and self doubt. However much I was able to serve them, they helped me beyond what I could have imagined by allowing me access into the heart and soul of the community, as well as their own lives. They taught me to listen, to appreciate the imperfect, and to trust myself and others.
As romantic as this experience may sound, it was a journey filled with moments of hubris, uncertainty, fear, anger, disappointment, judgment, sadness, joy, humility, elation and excitement. I like to think I grew into a man during those years as evidenced by the following two lessons I learned about myself and relationships:
1. Relationships are most powerful when I allow others to learn from my pain and uncertainties. Doing so establishes deep connection, reciprocity and lasting respect. It is not how much I know, but how much I am willing to meet others where they are that makes me powerful.
2. Sacrificing my needs for someone else’s ultimately leads to feelings of resentment, unless I give from a place of abundance. As an example, think about the following announcement made on airplanes before every flight: “Please put on your oxygen mask before offering assistance to the person next to you”. Helping others before you tend to your own needs will ultimately hurt you. You must honor yourself and others, in that order, or risk doing more harm to yourself than good. Has this notion ever seemed wrong to you? Have you ever wondered why? I have. And I have observed that, culturally, we have been trained to put the well-being of others before our own. Can you relate?
Next week I will explore why we tend do this and why it must stop, now. Until then, I leave you with a quote that best captures what I learned from Dom and Ernesto. “The journey of Life is not about surviving the storm; it is about our ability to dance in the rain.” When challenges come your way, can you be flexible and adjust or do you become paralyzed, stuck? Do you accept the situation, or do you resist what is happening? In either case, what would it hurt to learn some new moves? Until next week.
Your coach,
Marcus
Marcus is a Newfield Network trained Ontological Coach, which serves as an ideal vehicle to further realize his personal empowerment objectives. Marcus, his wife and four year-old-son live in New Jersey
He can be reached at marcus@blackandbrownnews.com
2009 copyright blackandbrownnews.com
