In the last entry, we confronted sexual abuse in our communities. We offered rejecting Denial as a first step for individuals to effectively address this issue.
Next, let’s examine how to tackle this as families and communities, once and for all.
The First Institution
It has been said that family is the first institution. This means that before we deal with government, schools, jobs or any societal institution, we are exposed to the values and principles proffered through our families. Indeed, families and communities are where behaviors are learned, defined as normal, and reinforced through repetition (practice) and modeling. They are the first groups through which we develop a worldview, which particularly serves us in our youth by providing a sense of security, belonging and care.
Why Survival Isn’t Enough
If you only seek to survive, that is exactly what you will do. Thoughts become things, so focusing your attention on survival will only manifest the minimum resources necessary to remain alive (food, water, shelter, money, beauty, joy, friendships, love, etc.). In short, you will not thrive. Instead, you will perpetuate learned behaviors that will only maintain your current existence.
Thriving communities, which are comprised of thriving individuals and families, are characterized by supportive networks of people (connectedness) and values that clearly distinguish right from wrong. However, in suffering communities, such is not the case. In these communities, families and the individuals comprising them are disconnected – isolated from each other – and demonstrate a range of values and behaviors that do not clearly define right and wrong. They are in survival mode - “Every man for himself!”
Examples include but are not limited to numerous social dynamics such as how we relate to authority; how we discipline our children; our ability to disagree; being judgmental; male machismo and female sassiness; hyper-sexuality; self-medication; preferred beauty standards (i.e. light or dark skin, thin or curvy body features, straight or long hair); and how we define success (i.e. accumulation of wealth vs educational attainment vs power over others vs character development). These values are all learned and reinforced through community. And, needless to say, many Black and Latino communities around the world are suffering from non-affirming ways of thinking and being. Let’s examine this further.
The Cost of Survival: Suffering
Suffering is the repeated production of undesirable results in one’s life, despite the best intentions. It is the result of recurrent habits - responses to past scenarios in one’s life.
Let me explain: the manner in which you have responded to past events may have worked for you in the past, but in order to produce different results in your life today, you may need to create new responses to familiar scenarios. In this way, all behaviors can be unlearned with practice. And, practice leads to mastery! The only requirement is a willingness to change.
Example: If you have been involved in abusive relationships, how willing are you to live the life you want instead of a life of repeated suffering? How willing are you to accept that you are not destined to repeat past results? You can break any cycle by being differently. Here’s how:
1. Practice focusing your attention on the outcomes you want in your life, instead of what you do not want.
2. Practice being aware of your breathing and emotions when confronted with challenging situations.
3. Practice suspending judgment about yourself and others; instead, practice accepting things for how they are now – understanding that they will not always remain as they are.
These three practices will result in you trusting your own decision-making as an adult, which may currently be preventing you from loving yourself unconditionally (and allowing others to love you, too). Your instincts are sound; you just need to practice listening to and using them.
Do you need to forgive yourself or someone else? Doing so could be what’s stopping you from living the life you desire.
(Note: To all of you who have endured abusive relationships of some type, you are still valuable, whole and worthy of love. You always were!)
You no longer have to carry the emotional baggage of your past. Be in the NOW! Seek the assistance of someone who can help you work through any emotions that prevent you from letting go of the pain and anger of what happened to you. This will break lingering cycles of shame and reveal the special qualities you embody. Practice sharing these qualities with others. Only then will you begin to experience and believe that you are worthy of love, despite self-doubt and fear.
Create an environment for unconditional love to emerge in your own life! Stay tuned for how.
Your coach,
Marcus
Marcus is a Newfield Network trained Ontological Coach, which serves as an ideal vehicle to further realize his personal empowerment objectives. Marcus, his wife and four year-old-son live in New Jersey
He can be reached at marcus@blackandbrownnews.com
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