In my last entry we began to explore how sacrificing your needs for someone else ultimately leads to feelings of resentment, unless given from a place of abundance. And I observed that, culturally, we have been taught to put the well-being of others before our own. Let’s explore this further.
When you put other’s needs before your own needs, your needs get addressed last. No matter how polite or noble you may believe this to be, it means that you will watch others grow and achieve various goals while you postpone nurturing your own dreams and aspirations. Worse, because practice makes perfect, the more you practice postponing your satisfaction, the more it becomes a behavioral pattern for you. We refer to behavioral patterns as habits, and this is a bad one! If left unaddressed, over time you will unintentionally approach every situation by postponing your satisfaction until some other activity or criteria is satisfied. Essentially, you put your self last! This explains how formerly enslaved or oppressed people eventually do not need a slave master or oppressor to keep them down.
For example, long after Portuguese and British colonists (i.e. Cristobal Colon aka Christopher Columbus) imposed brutal systems of violence and subjugation on Africans and Indigenous peoples in the Americas (Indians), we continue to exhibit behaviors such as self-medication and over-indulgence as coping mechanisms, even if they no longer serve us. Once a necessary response for survival, they are now habitual and self-destructive. Likewise we have adopted violent and oppressive behavioral patterns from former abusive regimes as strategies for obtaining and maintaining power, despite knowing the outcome is counter-productive to supporting our own well-being. We have developed these over generations - out of necessity (life or death) - in response to specific historical situations that no longer exist! They are not innate or genetic; they are learned.
In a different context, in Highbridge Dom and Ernesto challenged me to consider that I was not happily pursuing my individual progress, as I had thought. Instead, they suggested that I sought fulfillment and honor in the sacrifices I made for the community’s collective cause. Of course, they were right, but I was blind to it at the time. In actuality, we were each blind to the fact that we were all alike, reflections of each other. We were caring, loving men who were desperate for intimacy, but completely unaware of how to achieve it. We were trying hard to transform our lives, which requires being in community with others. But the intensity of the emotional intimacy we desired caused us to periodically retreat to ourselves when we achieved it. We would also get angry when groups we supported excelled, but our individual causes did not achieve equal recognition. Or, we sometimes did not feel fulfilled despite accomplishing various goals, so we questioned ourselves (i.e. Am I impossible to satisfy? What is wrong with me? Do I need to go back to school? ) Does this scenario sound familiar? It is simple to understand in hindsight, but not always easy to address in real-time.
What’s the point?
The point is that nothing is wrong with you, me, Dom, or Ernesto! These examples show how our current life situations - which have been created over time by our repeated responses to situations in the past - no longer served our new goals. Like me and the guys, you may be struggling to change your life, but you are blind to your self-defeating behavioral patterns. I am here to remind you that you have a choice! Just like I learned from these men and the residents of Highbridge who allowed me into their lives and community, I invite you to commit to being different, today. Despite being raised to believe that it is selfish to put your needs first, I offer a different definition – that you are only guilty of selfishness if you focus on your needs to the exclusion of everyone else’s needs. In reality, the act of putting your needs first is actually an act of honoring who you are created to be, which is essential for establishing affirming, happy relationships with others. As with everything in life, happiness starts with you! And you must first show yourself honor and respect before you can receive it from others.
You lead the way!
Your coach,
Marcus
Marcus is a Newfield Network trained Ontological Coach, which serves as an ideal vehicle to further realize his personal empowerment objectives. Marcus, his wife and four year-old-son live in New Jersey
He can be reached at marcus@blackandbrownnews.com
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