In past entries, I described how “playing it safe” in relationships can unintentionally result in confusing intimacy with sexuality. We learned a three-step process for preventing this from happening to you.
Three-Steps
1. identify your passions;
2. ask for what you want; and
3. make decisions based on what serves you (your passion).
Now, let’s examine one more common situation.
In addition to objectifying women, my experience confusing intimacy with sexuality caused me to totally diminish the significance of my male relationships. Check out this scenario: From the earliest age, I connected naturally with people with whom I could relate most. We all do. In many cases, this looks like same-gender relationships (male/male or female/female). Why? Because within these relationships we effortlessly share a broad range of emotions (likes, dislikes, uncertainties and fears).
Question: Guys – When you had problems back in the day with a significant other, to whom did you turn to share your pain? Answer: One or two special ladies, but usually other guys, right?
Question: Ladies – when you were a girl and you wanted to speak to someone who REALLY understood your feelings, to whom did you usually turn? Answer: One or two special guys, but mostly “The Girls”, right?
Even in our 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s, I would bet that we continue to seek solace in more same-sex relationships than from the opposite gender. For me, it made sense to openly reveal more details about my true self (thoughts, emotions, desires/aspirations) with my best friends. I trust them to this day. Guess what? That revealing process is THE definition of intimacy.
My point: Sexuality is not the same as intimacy. If you can agree, you might now begin to understand how it is possible to experience sexual relationships without feeling satisfied or fulfilled. More than having others see you as smart, sexy or attractive, you desire to be loved unconditionally, celebrated for who you really are! You want intimacy in your life.
We Learn Through Our Bodies
Ok. So, you may be thinking, “I get the whole intimacy thing, but how do I reveal my true self?” Ahhhh… This is the magic question. Answer: Through your body. Let me explain.
The phrase, “Wisdom Lives in the Body” refers to the function your body plays in containing information. Essentially, your body is your tool for learning (experiencing life). You literally learn via your hands, eyes, brain, legs, feet, etc. You probably have never thought about it this way because you have been taught from an early age in Western culture to separate or compartmentalize your body from your thoughts/emotions and language. For example, in school, you were taught “proper” values and “acceptable” behavior. You may recall incidents where the behaviors of physically active boys were labeled as “hyper” and discouraged in preference for a more calm intellectual approach to learning (i.e. sitting quietly at your desk). For many, such discouragement begins the separation of the body from the learning experience, despite the fact that we learn through our bodies. With reinforcement, by high school you may have developed a pattern of associating all learning with the mind and language (reading, mathematics). Eventually, college and professional institutions complete the socialization process by rewarding analysis and linear thinking over synthesis and wholistic thinking. In reality, both ways of being are critical to understanding who we are and how we live.
Because the body holds wisdom, you can tap into the wisdom contained within it by increasing your awareness – Being Present. We often refer to this process as “jogging” our memory, or “re-collection” (collecting our memories, again). Whether you are stretching, walking, exercising or running, the act of breathing deeply allows you to center yourself and align all of the systems within your body (nervous, circulatory, pulmonary, etc). Like a reset switch, the breath aligns the body and reconnects its systems to be in a posture of readiness to learn.
Bringing it Together
No one can love you if you do not reveal who you really are. You yearn for fulfillment and intimacy; the choice to obtain them is yours. Fulfillment only comes through establishing relationships characterized by openness. Intimacy is achieved by revealing your true self to others. Learn who you are by observing yourself and establishing awareness of your body; it is the container for your thoughts, emotions and language. Being present is a necessary step to unlocking and engaging the wisdom contained within your body. Breathe deeply, find your center, and prepare to learn!
For the ultimate connection, you must be fully present - no expectations, no judgment! Practice makes perfect, so start with loving yourself unconditionally, then offer it others. Try it! You’ll enjoy it.
Your coach,
Marcus
Marcus is a Newfield Network trained Ontological Coach, which serves as an ideal vehicle to further realize his personal empowerment objectives. Marcus, his wife and four year-old-son live in New Jersey
He can be reached at marcus@blackandbrownnews.com
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