Some of you may have noticed that I have dedicated several entries to exploring how people relate with sexuality. Why? To be able to discuss some uncomfortable topics within our communities from a position of strength and wholeness. I wanted to establish that regardless of the issue, it is your habits that are the culprits, not you! In other words, longstanding behavioral patterns that once served you now work against you.
For the handful of you who have not heard of the book PUSH, or the recent movie Precious, I dedicate this entry to you and your closest friends and family. My reasoning should be apparent by the end of this piece. In the story below, I explore how Black and Afro-Latino communities are collectively impacted by the absence of intimacy in our relationships and the hidden costs of confusing intimacy with sexuality. Additionally, I offer a perspective to help us all address the issue directly.
First, though, I want to take this opportunity to thank the wise and caring women who took enough interest in me over the years to convince me to embrace my uniqueness as strength, and share who I am and what I feel with others. They nurtured me when I was suffering (living in isolation from others; not living in the Present; and practicing behaviors that did not serve me), and they taught me many lessons about relationships. Namely, I learned that there are hidden costs to not being present, which is characterized by being obsessed with the past or future.
My Coming of Age Story
During one particular period of time, I recall feeling very comfortable sharing my deepest thoughts about spirituality and Life with women. I had experienced that females somehow seemed to be less judgmental about these things than my male friends, who still tended to adopt a tough-guy veneer. Recognizing this, I grew accustomed to asking about and sharing very personal thoughts and observations in my relationships with the ladies. As a result, I learned many things about the types of thoughts and feelings women often experience. In fact, I began to notice trends that gave me insight into various challenges confronting young women, in general, but especially young women of color. Among many things, there was pressure to be thin; to have a boyfriend at a fairly young age; to be married and to seek a safe, stable career prior to marriage; etc. This was fascinating to me!
Not so fascinating was a string of four consecutive incidents – all unrelated - that resulted in several young women disclosing details of their own personal trauma. As you might suspect, each had been sexually abused by an adult family member or friend. I recall realizing that each person had different personalities, looks, and backgrounds despite their shared fate. This prompted me to ask more females about their experiences. Disturbingly, at least three more people shared that they, too, had also been molested. The more I asked others, the more I heard the same story repeated over and over again. In fact, some ten years after a friend informed me that she was unsure if she had been molested informed me that, indeed, she had remembered being sexually abused.
The Dirty Secret
The truth is this: molestation in Black and Afro-Latino communities is an epidemic that has gone unreported for generations. And the trend continues, silently! I have seen this in my years as a student, a community-organizer, a service provider, and grantmaker. It has emerged through cases of domestic violence, foster care, homelessness, and juvenile justice. Likewise, I have heard stories from classmates, family members, friends and associates. It is simply undeniable.
Finding a Way Out
In order to effectively address this, we must acknowledge Truth and reject Denial. This is the first step. It starts with each individual taking responsibility for self and follows these fundamental tenets:
1. You are whole, not broken
2. You desire connection and unconditional love
3. Regardless of your life situation, you are valuable because your life experiences have uniquely prepared you to express a truth to the world that only you can offer.
4. Sharing your story empowers you and the listener(s)
Your personal challenge is to somehow embrace that no one can love you unless you first love yourself. This requires practice in the following areas:
1. Addressing your needs before serving others;
2. Being aware of what your body is telling you;
3. Acknowledging your own thoughts and emotions;
4. Being present in your relationships;
5. Practicing acceptance (Now is Now, not Forever) and nonjudgment; and
6. Offering the same compassion to others
Remember, practice leads to mastery! Next, we will address what we can do collectively to change conditions across our communities.
Until then…
Your Coach
Marcus
Marcus is a Newfield Network trained Ontological Coach, which serves as an ideal vehicle to further realize his personal empowerment objectives. Marcus, his wife and four year-old-son live in New Jersey
He can be reached at marcus@blackandbrownnews.com
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